Dear Andy,

It’s been a year since your passing. I know I have written a letter to you before, privately. This one I am putting on the internet for everyone to read. Why? Because I also don’t know who is hurting the way I am. Even if no one reads it, there is healing in writing this.

First let’s start with things I haven’t told you. I remember getting a text from mom saying you only had 24 to 48 hours to live. I was at work. Trying to distract myself from the uncertainty taking place in my personal life. I read the text. I started crying, called my boss and left. I knew I’d regret not being with you because by then you were already in the hospital for a few days. I thought you were going to come home. That didn’t happen.

On my way to you I had to pullover to cry. I couldn’t see. Thankfully, I only worked 10 mins from the hospital. I couldn’t understand what was happening. Then when I got to see you. I wasn’t sure who was in that bed. You look like my brother, but I wasn’t sure. Regrets flood to my mind. What if I was nicer, helped you more, listened more. I quickly became angry with Alcohol, knowing it had its chains on you. It wasn’t until that moment that I realized that your alcoholism was truly a sickness. It is a thief stealing love and life from all around it. I became angry. This is the price you had to pay. Your life.

So much changed after you were gone. The Vazquez kids were always five, a handful. Now we are four. It’s not as cool as five. It felt like I had a beautiful custom jacket made just for me and someone ripped the sleeve off. I still had to wear it, and I can never replace the sleeve. I was crushed seeing the effects of your death on the family. We could never be the same again.

I needed you a lot this year. You never know what you have until it’s gone. You were always my biggest fan, cheerleader and encourager. You always cared for me and tried to protect me. I tried some new things this year and needed your opinion and your big hug you give. I miss that hug so much. You always believed in me.

You know that 9 months after your passing we lost mom. That ripped my soul out. In a weird way I’m glad you went before her; you didn’t have to see that. It has been too much to bear. Because our family will never be the same.

Through it all God is still good. His love never fails. I miss you, your laugh and your hugs. Take care of mom for me. One day when I have been made new, I will see you again. Until then-know that I loved you more than I realized.

Love The Nana-nater.